Introduction: bruce willis today. A Familiar Space Horror Formula?
bruce willis today. hey guys welcome back to the show and on this episode i’m gonna be talking about a movie that uh quite honestly you’ve seen it a million times before it’s just like every other space sci-fi horror movie ever made it’s breach a movie starring bruce willis that takes place aboard a spaceship and i bet you can probably guess what happens on that spaceship especially with this line deep in space they are not alone think about it someone had to come up with that tag line and then probably another person had to say that’s it right there anyways
Setting the Scene: The Year is 2242?
the movie starts in the year 2242 and guess what mankind is about to go extinct this spaceship is called the ark and they’ve selected a bunch of people to go to a new planet called new earth anyways noah yes his name is noah the spaceship is the ark and his name is noah he wasn’t selected but his pregnant girlfriend haley was i don’t know what the criteria was for selecting people but whatever they’re gonna find a way to get noah on the ark you stick to the plan that’s right noah just stick to the plan which is just walk onto the ship seriously that seems to be their big plan you can tell they put a lot of thought into that so
Security, Selection, and a Wildly Flawed Plan?
of course security grabs him and then people start rushing the ship but it’s too late it’s taking off well that sucks all passengers report to cryo immediately how do i get off the ship is that a serious question i mean your boyfriend didn’t make it on board so you’re just going to what exactly open the door to the spaceship and die in space or take an escape pod back to earth and just die there i mean come on you had to have been prepared for the possibility that he wasn’t going to make it onto the ship if he wasn’t
bruce willis today: Playing the Grizzled Crew Member Clay?
selected in the first place and your big plan for getting him onto the ship was just basically just walk onto it anyways they’re like you’re not going anywhere so everyone gathers in this big room to get a speech from shades here this is the admiral of the ship and haley is actually his daughter which is weird you’d think the daughter of the admiral would be one of the first people aboard the ship but who knows maybe she just left it to the last minute and look holy crap it’s noah how did he get on board well i don’t know but back when the ship was already in space they said this
Space Shenanigans: Booze, Acid, and Poor Hygiene?
sir we have stowaways trying to breach the vents okay so what at the last minute a bunch of people somehow climbed into the vents of the ship as it was taking off it sounds like a very secure vessel anyways the admiral is like girl you knocked up my daughter so okay everyone into your freeze pods because this trip is gonna take six months and haley’s like hey since you weren’t selected you won’t have a freeze pod what are you gonna do for six months and noah is like oh i’ll just pretend to be a janitor you know part of the crew while all the
citizens are frozen i have no idea how he managed to swing that you think they’d have a record of you know everyone who’s supposed to be on the crew but whatever she gets frozen which this fog represents i guess and the ship takes off into hyperspeed thanks to this fluorescent light bulb reactor and then the commander is like all right everybody get to work so noah is working as a janitor and bunking in the same room as bruce willis character clay clay is able to send out a hologram to wherever noah is somehow i don’t know how he knows where he is at any particular
The Real Threat Emerges: Parasites and Zombies?
moment but whatever noah spends his days cleaning while clay just drinks non-stop until one day noah sees clay and another crew member carrying some canisters and he’s like oh crap that’s really suspicious so while noah is cleaning the restroom the commander tells him to let him know if he sees anyone doing anything suspicious and let’s just hold on a second here because i gotta bring this up just look at this what is going on in this washroom are people just pissing all over the walls why is this so filthy i hate to say it but this right here is maybe the reason why humans ( bruce willis today )
Who Brought the Parasite?
shouldn’t get another chance at a new planet i mean if in another 200 years we still can’t figure out just basic human decency then what’s the point of even going to a new planet so we can just piss all over that one too seriously this is actually something that drives me nuts i just don’t understand why people have to be so disgusting why why is it that every single time i go into a public washroom doesn’t matter where it is there’s always a toilet left without being flushed like what what is wrong with you people who are these people do they get some kind of enjoyment out of
Revealing the Saboteur: Tek’s Confession?
leaving a dump in the toilet and why are there so many of these people there’s so many of these people i bet someone watching this video right now is one of these people and let’s just call them what they are defecation degenerates okay i mean how much of a piece of garbage are you that using a public restroom is seen as like this opportunity to act like an animal that should be part of the selection process for who gets to go to the new planet i mean really you know we got one shot at this we might as well set our standards pretty high and i think it’s it should go without saying
we should just eliminate all the pee and poo vandals from going to the new planet because do you want them there i don’t now anyone that knows me knows i’m not a big fan of the whole mob mentality public shaming thing but in this case i think i would be we got to start calling out people who don’t flush i mean there’s a lot of social change going on right now a lot of you know movements and i think this is one that everyone can get behind i mean i believe people can change you know everyone should be given a second chance you know the personal growth that whole
Bruce Willis Today: Leading the Charge Against Alien Chaos?
bruce willis today. that sort of thing but with this i think you get a certain amount of chances and then after that if you still get caught not flushing then we just put it on your gemstone you know did not flush gross anyways clay tells noah to get this special cleaner and noah accidentally spills some of it and it melts right through this metal table because yeah that’s what you want aboard a spaceship jugs of acid floating around with flimsy caps so noah goes to look for clay and then finds him pouring some cleaner into a vat what are you doing
wait so how exactly does this hologram thing work does he just have like a second holographic version of himself floating around i don’t know so noah’s like oh my god clay is building a bomb i have no real reason to think that and all i saw was him pouring some cleaner into a vat which really doesn’t seem that weird considering his job but screw it i’m gonna tell people so they drag him back into the room and handcuff him to this gun rack which isn’t even attached to the wall another great idea and this kind of builds up to be like he caught them all doing something
shady and now they’re gonna have to kill him so they make him drink the stuff that clay was mixing and oh it turns out he’s making moonshine now everyone can have a big laugh he wasn’t trying to blow up this ship he was just trying to make booze with cleaner that eats through metal that’s so hilariously casual seriously you’re on a spaceship and you need a drink so bad that you’re willing to make your own out of acid and god knows what else maybe that’s a sign that you need some help so they have a party where they all drink this stuff but meanwhile there’s trouble afoot some sort of
Flesh Monsters and Acid Flamethrowers? bruce willis today.
parasite is on the ship and caused this guy to explode and then infected this other guy turning him into a violent zombie that starts killing people now i know what you’re thinking an alien life form that finds its way aboard a spaceship and starts killing off the crew members one by one what a totally original idea well need i remind you that this has actually been done before pretty famously i might add it was the plot of a little movie called space chimps at least i think it was i don’t know i don’t really remember the movie it’s pretty high anyways they find one of the
crew members that was killed near the reactor room but there’s really nothing to worry about i mean the reactor probably has a lot of security it’s not like you can just walk right into it plus there’s this little sign up here so they find blue that’s the guy’s name and he’s trying to cut his way into this room so they tell him to turn around and put down his weapon i’m ordering you to lay down your weapon put your weapon down and surrender but here’s the funny thing in this shot he’s not holding ( bruce willis today )
anything so they all stand there as he jumps onto the one guy and kills him and then they blast him meanwhile they’re trying to find out how the other crew member got killed and this is what i find hilarious the year is 2242 they’re on a spaceship with cryogenic freezing gravity and super advanced holograms but they’re still having problems with grainy glitchy black and white security footage so anyways they find out there’s nothing inside of blue’s body except black goo and that he was being controlled by some sort of parasite but how did the parasite get on board i had the ship to
Escape to New Earth… Sort Of?
a head count after you found ortega just to make sure that nobody else got missing and i found this noah’s not in the system he’s using forged papers wow so she had the ship do a head count and it determined that there was a stowaway on board and that noah is using forged papers so wait he got on board using forged papers this was the level of security you needed to bypass to get onto the ship papers are you [ __ ] kidding me again this takes place over 200 years in the future they have all this technology and you mean to tell me they got two guys you know at the door
Flamethrowers on a Spaceship? What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
to the ship just going ah tickets please have your tickets ready tickets so while they’re arguing over whether or not noah was the one who brought the parasite on board they notice that all the dead bodies are gone and so it begins the great zombie fest where they infect everyone while the survivors debate how to kill these things because bullets don’t work never mind the fact that you’re all standing in the room with the acid cleaner that can liquefy anything it touches oh wait the audience might notice that okay let’s get rid of the one jug that has some cleaner left in it
that way in all these other shots there will just be the one empty jug so that way you know it makes sense there’s no cleaner in here so the characters never thought about it anyways clay has the idea of using a flamethrower and damn too bad the ship has a fire alarm that immediately covers the whole place in a thick fire extinguishing fog perfect for creating a situation where the characters can’t see anything and one of them gets hurt so they lock themselves in this room and they’re like
The Ultimate Flesh Monster — Created by Exploding Crew Parts?
well they’re outside the door and there’s no way to kill them so i guess we’re all dead but wait there’s an air vent thank god there’s always an air vent for a grown adult to crawl through pretty comfortably i might add that’s a lot of space oh and there’s also clay’s super cool hologram that’s giving him directions which i still don’t understand how this works how is this hologram giving him real-time directions while clay is arguing with teak whatever tek admitted that he was the one who brought the parasite on board because he’s part of some kind of rebellion
that wants the human race to go extinct anyways noah gets to the admiral’s freezing chamber but oh no it’s locked but that’s okay because a good old-fashioned crowbar is enough to open this super advanced piece of medical technology and the admiral just opens his eyes as if he hasn’t been frozen for the past six months there’s literally no effect he’s not even slightly confused or groggy or disoriented that stuff all happens to me when i take even a 10 minute nap non-frozen you could have at least had the character take a minute to kind of you know get their bearings
New Earth Looks Just Like Old Earth — But With a Filter?
we’re supposed to believe that these characters have been in cryo sleep for half a year i’m you again so they’re trying to find out from teak just what this parasite is and this is kind of funny because they keep presenting all these scenarios like did you create it in a lab did you get it from space and teak just keeps giving these vague answers another planet another universe maybe it was here from before the universe so the parasite is targeting the reactor to blow up the ship because you know it just wants to destroy all life
teak knows this because they did ( bruce willis today ) experiments on it so the admiral unfreezes his super swat team again everyone is just instantly ready for action but again having a lot of guns isn’t enough they even have lasers now but still the zombies can’t be stopped so the admiral decides to blow himself up which leads to all the body parts of the crew members joining together and creating some kind of flesh monster then noah finally gets the idea holy crap the cleaning acid that’s it so they come up with the idea of hooking up the cleaner to the flame thrower and creating
A Pregnant Woman, a Gun, and a Space Monster — Guess What Happens Next?
um i don’t know a super blue acid flame that melts flesh completely but does nothing to close i don’t understand how this works if this stuff in its concentrated liquid form eats through metal wouldn’t ( bruce willis today ) it just destroy the flamethrower from the inside i don’t know whatever noah grabs haley and he’s like hey i know you’re pregnant and you’ve been asleep for six months but you gotta take this gun because there’s a giant flesh monster trying to kill everyone we gotta get out of here so they get to an escape pod but noah’s still gotta fight this thing because the blue flame
isn’t really working that well so you know you just got to keep at it i guess then suddenly i don’t know the flesh falls off and oh god what is this going to turn into annihilation now please no anyways they get away in an escape pod while the ship explodes and they make it all the way to new earth which is crazy it almost looks exactly like old earth just with a crappy blue filter put over all the footage but wait there’s a huge monster on new earth and haley is now going into labor but no time for childbirth she’s gotta raise up her gun with noah and fight this thing now i
This Movie Made Less Than $40K — And After Watching It, You’ll Know Why?
bruce willis today ) don’t have the exact numbers but apparently this movie made less than forty thousand dollars now you could chalk some of that up due to the fact that this movie was released during the pandemic but i don’t really know what their plans for this movie were it was filmed in the fall of 2019 so even if the pandemic didn’t happen would they have put more money into marketing this thing i don’t know but i really don’t think this would have made any money but quite honestly i don’t really care because like i said you know there’s nothing really new here to make this stand out and on that note that’s it for this one thanks for watching guys and i’ll see you all next time you
